Am I brainwashed? Am I a hypocrite? Is it my fault? I'm not sure.

Am I a feminist or not? At this point in time, I'm not 100% sure.

I very well believe I have the thoughts of a feminist at the very least. I face the injustices of being a woman every day in my very own home. The culture I grew up in, very patriarchal in nature, goes against every feeling of self preservation I have. I have enough self worth to know that I am more than just a man's mate, a lackey to a male centered society that rather place me in the kitchen with a pan and broom than allow me to set goals for myself, to become independent. However, on a daily basis I am reminded of what my latin culture tells me what it truly means to be a real woman. Whether it be my mother telling me that my handling of the room isn't up to the standards of a true female or when I overhear my father superficially judging other women on television for their “bizarre” fascination with tattoos, short pixie cuts or rebellious and righteous attitudes. All things he finds unattractive and not befitting for a real woman, but some supposed beast that only wishes to level up to a man, but can never do so. These are the ideologies I was raised with and continue to fight against to this day.

However, I do realize that my behavior and interests might be more damaging to the women's struggle for equality than helping it. Yes, I do partake in the consumption of beauty magazines, even though I am fully aware that those glossy photos of thin photoshopped models are damaging the self esteems of women everywhere, including myself. I am confident enough to say that I suffer from an acute body dysmorphia. My obsessive worrying about my appearance has and still does effect me negatively to this day; damaging to my self esteem, my timeliness (as I do often spend an hour or more looking over things I find unsightly about my own face and body in the mirror) and my over all mood. There are many times where I've fallen into a deep painful depression over it. Though, I'm not too sure whether it is, in my particular case, to place the blame on the media, my own personal experiences, the negative reinforcement I place upon myself, or a combination of all those things. It's confusing to be so judgmental of my own body when I honestly do find all forms of women as equally beautiful as every other despite this cookie cutter standard placed on us. I do feel rather hypocritical, being so enamored with the world of beauty that our society has so dangerously skewed and being so obsessive about my own appearance, when I consciously recognize the damage the media has done to the minds of young girls all across the country, including my impressionable mind as a child.

Despite all that, however, I do believe that maybe, if the world at large started to recognize women in all their beautiful shapes, sizes and forms and was not be afraid to display them as they were, it would work wonders for the self esteems of young girls and women everywhere and maybe help women such as myself get out of that crippling vicious cycle of self hate and fixed body image. It's become something that has meddled with many life opportunities I've had in the past and has crippled me to the point of social phobia for a long time. I only wish to some day be that person to change the life of someone else with the chance that I can one day change my own.

So with that said... am I a feminist or just a hypocrite? Like I said, I'm not entirely sure. The condition I have is not something I choose to do or enjoy. It's something I'm actually pretty damn ashamed of. But if there is a chance in the world that I can prevent this from happening to young girls or other women like myself, I'd try my damn hardest to do what it takes and make the people of this country and every where else feel beautiful again, just as they are.

"Mirror, Mirror: Body Dysmorphic Disorder" A documentary on the condition